i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
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Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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