I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
