Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
