i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she looked like the before picture.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
