As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
