I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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