either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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