I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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