I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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