Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
