all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
