bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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