I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
