So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
