before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
