and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
