found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
