i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
