I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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