he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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