i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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