Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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