who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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