you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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