You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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