i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
