I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
