i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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