I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
