There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
