you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
