don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
