Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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