Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
