I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.