at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
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Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
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Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today