I faked an abortion last night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"