Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
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I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories