if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
