Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
