it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
