I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
