Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
