forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
