i permit you to call me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
