Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
