Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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