my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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