I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
