at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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