I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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