i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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