6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
