ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
