Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
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Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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