I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
