Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
